Sparky Heals Hisself

As an important part of the therapeutic journey, which many of my clients embark upon, one of the major goals is to complete the mourning process for lost loved ones and, in the process, seek at least two types of forgiveness:
1- Forgiving the person who has left us abandoned.
2- Forgiving ourselves for not having love powerful enough to protect the person we love.

In the process of accomplishing these very painful tasks, many of my clients spend a lot of time, particularly in the initial stages of therapy, visiting graveyards and working through the sharp sense of loss.

Since I never ask of my clients what I am not prepared to do myself, I knew with certainty that I had unfinished emotional business dealing with the loss of my cherished friend Bryan Jack, who was in the airplane that hit the Pentagon on Sept. 11, 2001.

I had attended Bryan’s funeral and saw his ashes interred in the National Cemetery and, accompanied by his widow Barbara Rachko, I spoke at the dedication of the elementary school named for him in Tyler, Texas, where he was born. In addition, I filmed my visit to the small chapel in the Pentagon, the site where the airplane hit. I also knew that a memorial garden had opened a couple of years ago where benches had been placed for each of the 184 people who died in that crash.

While I knew that I needed to visit the bench which carried Bryan’s name, I did not feel emotionally ready to do so. While it is easy to label a part of my hesitancy as my reluctance to experience the pain of his loss, another source of my hesitancy was my strong need to find someone with whom I felt enough closeness and trust to respect and support my revealing so much of my vulnerability (unfortunately, a fairly common male conceit).

It was not until Susan Bearns and I stumbled upon one another that I could take the next step. I hope it is abundantly clear that this sort of step should never be attempted without the help of the support person. The very thought of doing it alone makes me shudder, especially in light of my professional knowledge as a psychologist.

With the caring support of both Susan and her strong husband, I was able to visit Bryan’s memorial bench late at night and listen to the running water, to which I added my own necessary contribution to the flow.

My thoughts raced through several levels. I was pleased to honor my friend, I was able to be soothed by the peaceful surroundings, and I was able to finally understand that, regardless of my strong love for my dear friend, I was not omniscient in being able protect him.

In addition, Susan and I were able to exchange important gifts with each other: she gave me the gift of her firm support and I know I gave her the gift of experiencing the pleasure of caring for another person. An unexpected additional factor was that I was able to demonstrate, by my example, a positive model for dealing with loss for both Susan and her husband.

I came home late last night, slept for 11 hours, and awoke feeling considerably lighter as if an onerous burden had been lifted off of me and I had achieved an important step in my own journey.