I often wondered where my great preference for silence comes from. After reading “ A Book of Silence” by Sara Maitland, I now know.
She starts at that all-too-familiar place with me; suckling at my mother's breast. All my physical needs have been satisfactorily met and as the psalm says:
I have set my soul in silence and in peace,
As the weaned child on its mother's breast
so even is my soul.
The author goes on to say, quoting Winnecott, that the capacity to be alone, to enjoy solitude in adult life, originates with the child's experience of being alone in the presence of the mother.
My capacity to be comfortably in a meditative state is something that I have received for my mother and have carried into my adult life. A bit of a problem occurs when I go into this trance state in the presence of a partner with whom I have a physical relationship. She sees my withdrawal as a form of rejection of our relationship and proceeds to try and cuddle. It is my responsibility to explain that I haven't gone anywhere and I will be right back with renewed energy. I suppose I could interpret her discomfort with my departure as a sign of insecurity on her part but once the ground rules are clear this ceases to be a problem. Would it be possible to find a partner who shared my need for silence? Could we share the same house and be for a long period of time in communal silence and still have our relationship flourish? I think so. But that may be a particular male fantasy. (Please don't call out the gender police) I
My fascination with the life of a monk and my advocacy of my particular definition of celibacy both fit somehow into this picture. In addition, rather than cutting me off from people, I genuinely relish the company of others and b bask in a warm soup of interconnection where my public self is very much on display.
I am not quite sure how my living alone plays in to this. I am not sure what the priorities are: the freedom of solitude or the energy of silence. I'm literally surrounded by dear friends whom I love passionately but the balance is very clear in my mind. In addition, the fact that I am actively contemplating my death is a player in the equation but I do not know to what degree this operates. Is my aura darkening? Perhaps the yellow color is becoming more golden.
I am sure that I will have more to say on this topic anon.
2 comments:
Fathers have traditionally had their workroom, study, or garage. I’m not sure what space mothers had. I daresay it may be more of a male trait. Perhaps it is part of the development of the male brain in terms of space perception- this is a real sex difference that has been studied. What hasn’t been studied is if that difference is in any way a contributing factor to the perception of personal space. We know that some of the violent behavior in criminals is related to a sense of invasion of that space.
Instead of physical space, what you may be describing is a sense of emotional space. A place inside to be quiet for a few minutes, i.e. an emotional gyroscope that keeps one´s head on straight. I found it interesting to learn about a Tibetan monk (the head of some large monastery) who after finishing a lecture circuit would retire to his monk cell in silence for a period of time. There is again that concept of Yin- Yang. It was understood that his more Yang- outward activities, needed to be balanced with Yin- inward activities (quiet meditation).
Somehow the American idea that we can be turned on- 24-7 is not balanced. Perhaps it is one of the underlying factors in the current nationwide cocaine epidemic.
Although I have tried to do Chan (Zen) sitting meditation, and can recommend the tapes of Jon Kabat-Zinn , I much prefer the movements of Tai Chi when I get a chance. I’m sure it’s part of an unconscious need to feel that I am doing something.
As for relationships, and women who may understand my need to be alone at times, and worse not say anything for hours at a time- I still believe there is someone out there who can enjoy my eccentricities.
Dear Larry,
Thank you for your extremely thoughtful reply to my silence post. I don't know if I agree that the desire for silence is more of a male trait, than not. I do agree that space means different things to men and women, and, for me, it is more about external boundaries, whereas for women it may be more about internal boundaries, or as you say, a sense of emotional space.
I also understand your saying that addictive behavior may be a consequence of seeking to be turned on 24/7. I would seek a woman who was comfortable with my silence and was not threatened by it and I would strive to be equally sensitive to her need for silence. I think the relationship would be strengthened as a result.
I will be sending you in due time a YouTube presentation that I made just recently, and I will welcome your comments.
Un Abrazo
Sparky
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