This book has had a powerful effect on both my thinking and my emotions. Every single page catches me by the throat and my marginal notes look like chickenpox.
The idea that physical violence would be done to a woman and that her very physical being would be violated against her will makes me shudder with deep sympathy and even possible empathy although my body has never been physically violated with anger and threat. Perhaps it is fair to ask the question as to how I can empathize with something that I have never experienced myself. If this is a legitimate question, (and I seriously doubt it) we are truly cut off from one another since we cannot conceivably share the same communality of events. I think there is a communality of humanity that transcends the details but that point is certainly open to discussion.
I trust that the above paragraphs have hinted at the reason for my sadness: now let us pick up on my anger. It seems to me that a woman who has experienced male violence toward her operates, understandably, with active suspicion and guardedness as the default mechanism. I hope I am not exaggerating when I greet a woman entering an elevator with a “Good Morning” and a smile I am running the risk of being charged with sexual harassment. Yes, in answer to your next question, I greet men in exactly the same way.
I will readily grant the fact that my educational background in sexuality was atypical. Sex was always glorious fun and was never associated with guilt and shame. I have never even come close to clinching my fist at a woman: I would cut off my arm before I did such a thing.
Make no mistake; I enjoy sharp differences of opinion in my interaction with women as I consider the ability to respectfully differ as a powerful exchange of energy which leads to mutual understanding and a sense of connection and comfort.
If a woman responds to me as if I am a potential creep, that fact registers with me very strongly. I feel that I'm being judged as guilty just on the social construct that we label “gender.” It is dehumanizing and it hurts. I know that the reaction is overdetermined by past events and the need to dominate and control is seen as a traditional masculine role.
Given this perspective, events which registered with me, but not fully, now take on a very different meaning. When I last taught a course on the ”Psychology of Gender”, the students, on their own initiative, voted me, rather than a “Dirty Old Man”, the title of “Sexy Senior Citizen” and awarded me a T-shirt with that designation which I proudly wear. Not bad for someone who is approaching 77 years of age.
There is a very serious point embedded in this discussion. I thoroughly enjoy flirting with women. It disturbs me enormously that anyone would see my flirting as aggressive. While I readily agree that the behavior has a sexual component with the biological basis being one of reproduction and survival of the race, my wish is my behavior be seen as similar to a large puppy dog that is wagging his tail and just wants to play because it speaks to a powerful life force.
I hope what I have just written makes sense to you. Please favor me with your reactions as I value them greatly.
3 comments:
I think the common phrase, "ruins it for the rest of us" applies here. That is, it is because of these violent men that women become afraid and defensive, resulting in uncertainty and doubt when a kind and decent man takes part in something as harmless as flirting.
Domestic Violence was, hands down, the most difficult course I ever took in college. I was absolutely horrified reading about what women go through/have gone through in relationships with abusive men. Luckily I could not relate to what these poor beings have suffered and survived. But my heart aches for them. And it is the men who have hurt them who have ruined it for the rest of us.
Dear Sarah,
Thank you so much for your carefully considered comments. You certainly were sensitive to my great discomfort. As I wrote, I do not want to be the "poster boy" for the crimes of violence that men have committed towards women but I freely admit that the book that I just read has raised my sensitivity to this issue enormously.
My heart aches for the women who have been abused as well and, unfortunately the trauma does not stop with the individual person but, as you very well know, can become intergenerational.
Thank you for your very responsive words.
BFF
Sparky
Gender is a social construct that I feel has done more harm, through pigeon-holing and restricting, than it has good. I agree with the above comment in that harassment/abuse/assault is a horrifying and irreproachable phenomenon. It is something that the abused sometimes may never recover from (physically, mentally, emotionally). It is important to note, however (and I think you noted it well), that not all men have the want or ability to hurt women. It should also be mentioned that the untold side is that women do abuse men as well. It breaks my heart that a lot of men are not only physically and emotionally hurting, but socially hurting as well, because "real men" don't x, y, or z. The construct of gender expectations has created fear and, in the case that you discuss in your post, apprehension.
Thank you again for such a stimulating post, and I'm glad you mentioned the t-shirt we gave you. I hope you still wear it!
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