A dear friend of mine, whose opinion I value highly, told me, in a general discussion, that I was an Alpha male. No one ever told me this as directly before and I double clutched. I did not say anything at the time other than take careful note of her comment but went away and started my traditional graduate school ritual of reading about the term, thinking about it deeply, and then, of course, writing about it.
Most so-called experts in the field seem to feel that there are seven characteristics that can be used to classify
Alpha male behavior. They are:
1-One of the Alpha male characteristics, a very important one, is that he displays confidence and dominance. He leads others and is ahead of the game all time. He doesn't ask, he TELLS.
2-An Alpha male doesn't care about what other people think and doesn't need others' approval. What he wants comes first. He has confidence and is mature enough to know when to put his ego aside and those that only insecure men need to protect their egos at the expense of learning and growing.
3-Another alpha male trait is that he knows that women are secondary goal, never a primary goal. Women and sex are important but not the focus of his life. Women will be the side benefit of life that is fully lived and confidently navigated. The alpha male never does favors or buys things for woman in order to earn her approval.
4-Another one of the Alpha male’s characteristics is that he isn’t possessive or jealous, because he isn't needy. He doesn’t smother women and he doesn't put them on a pedestal. He believes that any woman would be lucky to have him and if he gets rejected, it's her loss, not his.
5-An important Alpha male trait is a sense of humor. An alpha male has a well-developed sense of humor. He knows how to laugh at the rest of the world as well as himself. He makes others laugh, and feel good about themselves. People around the alpha male tend to get sucked into his reality because he's interesting and makes them feel comfortable.
6-For an Alpha male, he has places to go and people to see. He doesn't have time to wait for woman more than 15 min. when she's late and doesn't wait on the phone if she puts him on hold. He knows that time is a valuable asset and never wastes it.
7-The Alpha male forgives himself for his failures and he knows that failure is a part of life. The only men who do not fail are those not try. Success is just a few failures away.
Out of the seven criteria listed above, I can easily say that numbers 1, 2, 4 and 5 do somewhat apply to me although the differences are very important.
Numbers 3 and 6 are complete test misses and criterion number 7 needs extensive revision in order for it to make any sense to me.
I have always been aware that my large physical size and my considerable athletic ability have had a great deal to do with how people perceive me. Is very important to state that the last time I struck another human being in anger was when I was 14 years old, 62 years ago. The very idea of raising my fist in anger against my brother or my sister is a total anathema to me.
It is certainly true that I don't do guilt or shame. What other people think of me is relatively unimportant but that fact depends totally on the person to whom I am relating. If I care for the person, it is clear to me that his or her impression of me is extremely important. “What will people think?” Is a generic question that bewilders me.
While it is true that I am not possessive or jealous I certainly do put women on a pedestal and I believe that in any growth oriented relationship the two people involved take turns in doing exactly that for one another. If we fail at establishing this egalitarian balance, we have a relationship based upon power with dominance and submission as the dynamic I have the scars on my soul from having been rejected by women and the net effect of that is that I've learned lessons that were completely necessary in order for me to grow.
I certainly agree that I have a sense of humor but I never laugh at people. I do, however, join people in laughter as we observe the paradoxes, flat-out contradictions and absurdities of the world around us. My laughter is never derisive but is an important method of connection. I certainly agree that the intensity of the way I express my ideas draws other people in but in addition to being a good speaker, I am also a superb listener.
It is important to note, while the discussing the subject, that my definition of self can never be a static one. It is changing all the time due in part to my own growth and the gigantic changes in the society in itself. As a result, the present portrait is nothing more than a snapshot in time.
In conclusion, I hope that the gentle reader does not feel that I am being either defensive or apologetic. The question as to whether or not I am an Alpha male is a very important one and I can only answer by providing what I hope is a fully nuanced picture rather than a two-dimensional line drawing.
I will take this post, show it to my dear friend who raised the question in the first place, and I know that she will take my reply to the event in the spirit with which it was intended and we will end up laughing hilariously together which, in the final analysis, is what this post is all about. Of course I will charge her with gender stereotyping in the third degree, but I will promise her that I will not report her to the gender police.
5 comments:
Despite Konrad Lorentz´ example of interspecies imprinting, I am not at all convinced that observed animal behaviors can be universally extrapolated to the analysis of humans. I for one do not like being compared to a dog or gorilla; alfa or otherwise.
As for your posts of October 25th and October 11th, I think that taken together they suggest that abuse is not necessarily gender specific and that violence is perhaps a cross generational problem that needs to be treated at the family level.
Woof woof
L
PS
I would be honored to get a copy of the DVD.
Dear Larry
Thank you once again for your extremely thoughtful comments. It is obvious to me that you read my posts very carefully, and that you and I tend to think along similar lines. That realization is very rewarding to me.
The only way that I use animal behavior is symbolically when I attempt to extrapolate it to the analysis of human behavior. The symbolism is not concrete, but more metaphorical.
I quite agree that abuse is not necessarily gender specific and I certainly agree that such abuse is cross generational with a family therapy approach being the treatment of choice.
I certainly will send you the DVD as soon as it becomes available. It is always a pleasure to read your comments and to write back to you!
Sparky
I may be careful in my reading but it seems that I am sloppy in my writing. I somehow imagine myself a Samuel Clemens writing tongue and cheek repartees; instead I find that my words more often taste vaguely of shoe leather.
My comments directed at your alfa male blog reflect my personal bias vis a vis behaviorism. Going a step further I decided to play the Devil´s advocate and take the position that such general comparisons may be sexist and reflect remarks such as ¨All men are dogs¨ or ¨Men are just gorillas¨. Hence my Woof woof.
My comment about violence was more a direct observation of your two back to back entrees that when taken together seem to reflect a more holistic picture of a serious problem. In my first years in practice I was taken aback by the amount of physical and sexual abuse my patients seemed to have experienced (since I work with the body I may be uncovering a higher proportion of these cases). At the time I worked with a group of social workers and psychologists to whom I was constantly sending referrals.
Two personal observations:
1. Men seemed to have their share of these experiences but were less willing to seek referrals.
2. Despite Freud´s conclusions (at least what I know of his conclusions)- these were not fantasies but real events in their lives.
As always- your blog is like my morning cup of coffee.
L
Dear Larry,
I am quite familiar with the taste of shoe leather. I caught your woof woof and understood that your comments were metaphorical.
The amount of violence that you and I see in our practices never ceases to amaze me. But my clients are experts at guerrilla warfare and have earned purple hearts, silver stars, and medals of honor. I never look at them as Humpty Dumptys but only as tough, gritty survivors. Please grab with both hands the article by Ervin Staub. I have read it carefully, word for word, four times and am much enlightened.
Staub, E. (2008). Altruism born of suffering: The roots of caring and helping after victimization and other trauma. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 78(3), 267-280.
Your comments are always like a cup of cappuccino to me with a big blob of whipped cream in the middle.
Ciao,
Sparky
Sparky
Yes, yes. Excellent! I am familiar with the idea of the wounded healer found in Joseph Campbell, and have some experience with the shamanic tradition. However, I was not aware of this research. I am sure that some young maverick will use it to develop new approaches to therapy; if it isn’t already being done.
L
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